Fact Check: Yes, Obama DID Leave the Military With No Ammunition

In a concise, descriptive, and informative press conference, President Donald Trump made the claim that Barack Hussein Obama left the military without any ammunition.  After lots of research, many beers, a nap, and crying about not being able to buy roses in Michigan, we rate this claim:

Joe Barron, reporter for the Daily Derry Air, interviewed Junior Chief Petty Officer Brian Cohen of Nazareth, PA at Boring Air Force Base in Maryland to learn about the truth and scope of this shocking accusation.  JCPO Cohen said:

“Well, it wadn’t all the ammo that we ran outta.  We still got rocks, bullets, missiles, grenades, 4 week old room temperature egg salad, and Sergeant Monita’s ass.  That thing is dead…lee!  But we had these cool lasers guns, you know, the real ones they had in Star Wars and they go all pew! pew! pew! in the movies but dadgommit, they don’t shoot nothin’ now.  Totally jacked up.  How are we gonna defend against the Rebel Alliance if the dang pew pew pews ain’t workin’?”

How indeed.  As everyone who saw the lame prequel movies and Rogue One know, those weapons in the right hands are about as accurate as they come.  Our American armed forces have the right hands, but thanks to Obama, not the right weapons.  M16s, drones, and tomahawks don’t matter if the laser guns don’t work.

Attempts were made to reach former President Obama, but he has declined to speak with us.  His office did release a statement that said that anyone who believes anything in this article outside of Monita’s deadly ass needs to get their head examined.

Drunk and Violent Nancy Pelosi Cursed Out Republicans, Removed from House Floor

According to the Dunning-Kruger Times, Nancy Pelosi was removed from the House Floor for drunken and disorderly conduct. To make matters worse, this was during the vote count for the stimulus aid bill. Pelosi cares so little for Americans that she would show up drunk to this important vote.

Here is an excerpt from one of Pelosi’s many drunken outbursts that day:

“You’re all a bunch of a**holes! You need to be voted out since you don’t give two sh*ts about the American people! Their lives are on your hands. You’re a bunch of knuckle-dragging oxygen thieves. In fact, we should charge your for all that oxygen you waste every day, especially you turtle-looking f*ck from Kentucky. Get fu**ed! We’re going to impeach that orange bastard again you can best believe it!”

After this outburst, the Sergeant at Arms, Joe Barron grabbed her and escorted her out as she kicked and screamed about her rights being violated:

“Do you know who I am?! You’re violating my rights you fascist brownshirt! I’m the Speaker of the House! You’re going to regret this”

Republicans clapped and cheered as Pelosi was thrown out of the chamber. Democrats vowed to cover up this incident so it wouldn’t be known to Americans, but we are here to report the truth of what happened.

Pelosi has long been known to be an alcoholic, but this is too far, even for her. It’s time for her to be forced into retirement. She is a bad influence and doesn’t care about anyone but herself. She needs to go.

Romney Endorses Joe Biden

After his unsuccessful run for President against Barack Obama, Mitt Romney hasn’t exactly acted like the Republican’s Republican.  He’s voted against several pieces of GOP legislation while representing the state of Utah in the Senate, and he was the only voice of the conservative right to correctly recommend that Donald Trump be charged and prosecuted for crimes during his historic impeachment trial.   Now, however, his seemingly turncoat antics may have gone too far.  Like someone giving Melania Trump an American Express Gold Card at the Bunny Ranch.

Just this morning, at the Brigham Young pagoda of Utah’s Sandy Batt Fellowship Hall, the Informin’ Mormon told a gathered press corps that he would be endorsing candidate Joe Biden for the 2020 Presidential election over incumbent and fellow Republican Donald Trump.   His ten minute long speech excoriated the beleaguered pandemic-botching fumbletwat and left supporters cold:

“I cannot, in good faith, and with hands raised to Heavenly Father, throw any manner of assistance towards the President and risk having four more years of his ineptitude and sheer criminality screwing over our country.  Joe Biden is at least sane, capable, and not Representitive of Nazis and racists.  I intend to contribute my, and my State’s efforts to the rising Joementum movement in order to save America from a severely mentally handicapped evil gorilla and his pea-brained followers. Amen.”

Romney not only intends to privately endorse Biden, but has also funded millions of dollars worth of political advertisements for his campaign in an effort to swing his state to blue.  So far, it seems to be working, as 4 of 5 latter-day saints registered to vote in the Caucasianest State have expressed fealty towards the overly vanilla Dem.  It appears that Mitt Romney may end up being the wild card of the election.  Which would mark the one and only time the senator would have the word “Wild” in any way associated with him.

Fact Check: Was a Drunk Pelosi Removed from the House Floor for Cursing at Republicans?

There has been a story circulating online that claims Nancy Pelosi was drunk, disorderly, and removed from the House Floor for Cursing at Republican lawmakers. We examined these claims to find out if they are factual.

The story in question claimed the following events occured:

“You’re all a bunch of a**holes! You need to be voted out since you don’t give two sh*ts about the American people! Their lives are on your hands. You’re a bunch of knuckle-dragging oxygen thieves. In fact, we should charge your for all that oxygen you waste every day, especially you turtle-looking f*ck from Kentucky. Get fu**ed! We’re going to impeach that orange bastard again you can best believe it!”

After this outburst, the Sergeant at Arms, Joe Barron grabbed her and escorted her out as she kicked and screamed about her rights being violated:

“Do you know who I am?! You’re violating my rights you fascist brownshirt! I’m the Speaker of the House! You’re going to regret this”

We contacted Sandy Batt, the fictional spokesman for the Sergeant at Arms, and she verified that Nancy Pelosi had indeed been removed from the House floor for a drunken outburst.

\We also asked ten fictitious Congressmen that were present and they all corroborated the same version of events. Pelosi did indeed curse out Republican lawmakers.

We rate the story as factual. Nancy Pelosi is an alcoholic and has a habit of showing up to work drunk. This story should surprise no one.

CIA Operative Appointed by Clinton Revealed to Be Russian Asset

As Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton had the responsibility of vetting and appointing operatives to America’s foreign service agencies including the CIA. That is why she is to blame for the latest scandal.

Longtime CIA Agent, Jason Bourne, whose real name is Villiam Helmuk, was revealed to be a sleeper agent for Russia’s Federal Security Service. Thes revelation was made when reports surfaced that he was exfiltrated back to Moscow this week before his cover was blown in an operation in which he infiltrated mission-critical data regarding national security.

Helmuk was born in Moscow and was trained by the KGB before the fall of the Soviet Union, even though he was born after the fall of the USSR.

He was sent to the US under the name Jason Bourne, graduated top of his class at Harvard, and joined the CIA. He worked his way up the ranks where he became a field operative, appointed by none other than Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

Just this past month he gathered information that is critical to our national defense against nuclear warheads. With Helmuk’s return to Moscow, this information is now in Russian hands, as confirmed by CIA Deputy Director Joe Barron.

We have Hillary Clinton to thank for this mess. It’s just like something from the plot of “The Americans.” You really can’t make these things up. Hillary Clinton is involved in so many American disasters from Benghazi, to the blue dress, and now this. She needs to be locked up for treason.

Obamas To File Lawsuit Challenging Second Amendment

The Washington Post may think it’s the cream of the crop where investigative journalism is concerned, but it turned out to be a city editor and puzzle creator from a weekly Washington independent news bulletin that may have just broken the story of the century.  A story that connects the former First Family to a plot to end your God-given right to protect yourself and your family.

The Wzshington Queeferly has a circulation of just over 6000.  It’s city desk editor Joe Barron often follows up on financial cases and stories related to local crime.  All that changed when crossword puzzle creator Jack Bowman stopped by his desk and asked if he knew another word for “merger”.  Barron responded “Union”, and unwittingly set up a house of cards.

After being inspired by the glib reference, the journalist traced back a money trail he’d been researching linking the ACLU to a building pile of legal funding.  Searching farther using internet tool “Ask Jeeves”, Barron found the funding leading back one way to the Obama Foundation, and back through the liberal collective to a huge lawsuit aimed at eliminating the second amendment.  That’s right, completely eliminating. 

The Obama’s and the ACLU have evidently been working the logistics through for years now, and are ready to make their case as soon as a month from now.  Although it seems impossible, a plan to make it work has already been hatched.  The Obama’s are working on having a cheerleader walk past Supreme Court Judge Brett Kavanaugh in order to keep him distracted so that he turns up late and unable to enter a locked judicial chamber.  Other conservative judges will be contacted by telephone and told that the tobacco lobby is blowing hundred dollar bills out of the back of a nearby Ice Cream truck.   That’s when they’ll strike.

Have these two otherwise pointless nincompoops just unwittingly saved our sweet sweet guns?  Only if we can get President Trump to act fast.  But as we know, the only thing our hideously bulbous commander in chief can do quickly is down a hamburder and disappoint his wife.